It would be funny, but…

Hey,  guess what? My kitten is dying.

OBVIOUSLY.

At what point should I have started to take things personally? When my marriage died? My Dad died? My cat died? Or now, while I’m watching the kitten (bought to replace the dead cat) die too?

Is now the time to give up on a lifetime of atheism, accept that there’s a God, and that he FUCKING HATES ME?

The worst thing about it all is that there’s no-one to give me a hug. It’s not The Boy’s job to comfort his mother, so I am comforting him as he rocks the ginger kitten in his arms to ‘make him better’.

But I’d quite like someone to rock me in their arms and make me better. I don’t mean a man. Fuck no. Just someone who loves me. Because I am strong. All of this stuff can keep on coming and I’ll weeble and wobble but I won’t fall down, because I can’t, because I’m a mother.

But it is very, very hard to stay strong. It’s a brittle strength. I feel like I could snap at any time, and yes, I’ll mend, but honestly, it’s getting really fucking boring now, all of this FUCKING mending. I’m still treading water, still just trying to stay alive and on top of work and The Boy and the house and my own sanity. There’s no space to move forwards. I’m stuck, in a tedious cycle of sink then swim, sink then swim. If it wasn’t for The Boy, I’d gladly stay sunk. It’s easier. It’s muffled and murky and warm down there, like the warmth when you’ve wet yourself. It’s wrong, but right. Up here, everything is sharp and bright, and it hurts when you breathe in – cold and sharp.

They say depression distorts your view of the world, and this is true. But some things are better when they’re a little blurry around the edges and slightly pear-shaped. Some things are just too hard to look at, as they really are.

There isn’t anyone to hug me. Family and friends are too far away, all the huggy people at work have gone. So, this is a heartfelt plea to the universe: if the things closest to me could STOP FUCKING DYING, that would be really fucking ace.

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7 Comments on “It would be funny, but…”

  1. skeletoes says:

    I know I’m a stranger on the internet, but I wanted to let you know that I’ve most definitely been there. You obviously know, as well as I do, that you will pick up and keep going, that you’ll get through this, and like always, you’ll continue to tread water.

    Until one day you won’t have to anymore.

    Chin up, give that kitten some love for me and remember life is a dirty fucking bitch, but as a mom, we can fight even dirtier.

  2. BIG love and an etheric bear hug from Afrika lovely lady… may you find gentle strength in your beautiful heart to keep walking through this long dark night. Kids (and cats) are profound blessings that both challenge and bestow the greatest blessings upon us. Even when beloved pets pass, they still walk beside us, offering comfort and protection xx

  3. Lady E says:

    Nooo ! I cannot believe it, no wonder you’re wondering about what you could have done to the (non-existent) gods to deserve this. The answer obviously is nothing. And even bad luck gets tired, so hang on in there… Big big hugs all the way from France xoxo

  4. Darlin’ your life is truly a shit show right now. No one died, but I killed off close to 100 plants and lost my home and the huggy person. IT SUCKS. But it will get better.

  5. Yeah, you really get it, the same WTF frustration I feel with my life, at times. I just posted about it and referenced this post. I hope it brings you views and support. Hang in there and keep blogging. It’s my catharsis.

  6. By the way, I love your line about giving up atheism to realize god exists and hates you. What else could it be? Random shit doesn’t strike that repetitively. Very on the money, from one atheist to another!

  7. Lady E says:

    Dear MI, it has been a long time since you last posted anything. How are you ?
    I hope life has been gentler on you xx


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