This is how it is

I haven’t written for a while. Mostly because nothing much has changed, and I am starting to bore myself.

Well maybe that’s not quite true. The boring myself bit is. I could bore for England. But something has changed. I don’t think I’m depressed any more. Clinically, I mean. I am deflated, crushed, retreating within myself – I am those meanings of the word ‘depressed’. But chemically imbalanced and without perspective? No. I have perspective.

On one level, I have a great life. I really do. I have a good, well-paid job. It’s reasonably secure, or as secure as jobs in my industry get. Complacency would be dangerous.

My son is amazing. He’s shaping up to be a funny, curious, caring, intelligent little boy. He’s good fun. He’s good.

I have my own house, savings in the bank, some very good friends.

I have blessings, and I can count them, and feel very lucky.

But I don’t especially feel like I’m living my life. I find it very hard to engage with any of it. It’s happening to me. I’m going through the motions. I can’t think back far enough to the last time I felt like the first person narrator. It’s all third person.

I read that back and hmmm. I sound depressed. Maybe I’m just *less* depressed. I’m not an expert, this hasn’t happened to me before, but maybe you come back up in stages. Maybe I’m decompressing – I can see the surface and I’m desperate to gasp for it, but I can’t rush. I have to take my time, take it in stages. I am certainly in a better place than I was 6 months ago, or a year. Let’s cling to that.

Because the surface I’m gasping for? I don’t know what it is. I can’t see the future. I know no-one can, but don’t you have a direction? An idea of the direction of travel? I don’t have that any more. I can’t begin to imagine what the future holds, and for someone like me that’s scary, not liberating. Not knowing what’s round the corner is, for me, like living in a horror film – constantly on edge, suspecting the worst, tense, cautious. I can’t relax.

I wonder why I can’t imagine good things round the corner. I suppose because the run of bad things has been so epic and unrelenting. The things I have lost… The people, the confidence, the world order. It’s all gone.

But I am dealing with it better. Small steps.

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3 Comments on “This is how it is”

  1. Val says:

    “But I don’t especially feel like I’m living my life. I find it very hard to engage with any of it. It’s happening to me. I’m going through the motions. I can’t think back far enough to the last time I felt like the first person narrator. It’s all third person.”
    I can relate so very very well… It has been almost 8 wks since I’ve updated my blog bcz A.) NO TIME! B.) no energy C.) nothing new to say. It’s as if my life is all being orchestrated for me (revolving around my son’s new school/football schedule) & even though I know damn well that I VOLUNTEERED for this, it’s still disconcerting…
    Hang in there. I’d love to blow smoke up your ass about things getting better, but that would be a damned lie.

  2. I thought you’d off-ed yourself. Glad you’re back.

  3. Lady E says:

    Phew, I’m glad you are emerging… You’ve had such a rough time of it, no wonder you fell down a bit of a hole.
    Well done for seeing all those blessings and hanging on to them, you are one brave lady … xoxo


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