The impossibility of that which should have been

I really miss Dad tonight. It’s a new kind of grief. I’ve been so caught up in mourning what was, I hadn’t considered the loss of what should have been.

The Boy will never know him. He probably won’t even remember him as a real human being. Dad will never sing ‘Gilly, Gilly, Ossenfeffer Katsenellenbogen-by-the-Sea’ to him. My boy will never hear Dad sing anything, in fact, see him perform on stage, or an acoustic number in his living room. All of that future is gone.

Dad promised to buy his first guitar. That won’t happen now. And yes, of course I could use some of the inheritance to buy one in his memory and that would be a Very Nice Thing, but that’s not the point. Dad would have taught him to play it.

That’s the biggie. My boy has lost a grandparent. He’s too little to understand this, so I have to do the mourning for him.

And I will never hear more of Dad’s stories. Flesh him out. My parents divorced when I was 6-months old and I wasn’t close to Dad as a child. Wasn’t especially close to him as an adult really, until the birth of my son. (God, he was a proud Grandad. He loved The Boy. His first grandson…)

And of course I feel so horribly guilty about this, but it was a two-way thing. I am determined not to let it eat me up. It just meant we had some catching up to do. And that’s not finished. I haven’t finished getting to know my Dad properly, and now I never will. My memories of him are scant. The plan was to create new ones.

The last time I saw him, that was a good one. Just a rainy day around the house with The Boy. There should have been more of those.

The impossibility of that which should have been has only just hit me.


2 Comments on “The impossibility of that which should have been”

  1. Lady E says:

    My heart scrunched up for you reading your last posts. What an imeasurable loss (ok I’m pretty sure imeasurable doesn’t exist, but you get my drift), so many wasted opportunities of getting closer to your dad will make your grief even more painful…I guess in a small way, your brother and yourself can keep your dad’s memory alive for yourselves, and for the Boy?
    Funnily enough, even though you’re probably not feeling exactly happy yet, you are starting to sound more err… is it serene?
    Good luck with it all.
    And you’re brilliant.
    Of course you are. :)xx

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