What could the title to this possibly be?
Posted: April 9, 2012 Filed under: Depression, Self-esteem, Single mother 16 CommentsI have nothing to report other than my continued, deepening hatred of myself. Being able to turn your own stomach is impressive.
And I need to write about it. I get self-harming now, I get why people do it. All of the… anger, the hot anger that rolls and twists in your stomach and rises up to form a solid wall of rage from your chest to your throat… It needs to go somewhere. It needs a release.
And so read these words and know that they are silver lines tracking my arms and the tops of my thighs. They are red scratches running down my cheeks and chunks of hair in my sink. I’m not there, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to stop hating myself. I can’t get away from myself. I’m here, all the time, going round and round in my own head, and I am SO FUCKING ANNOYING.
I tried not writing, using the same logic that not writing about He Who Shall Not Be Written About makes him less tangible. It’s not the same. I haven’t seen HWSNBWA for months and months now. I’m looking back at me from my own mirror every bastard day.
I want to get out of my head. I don’t know how.
And God, life is tedious at the moment. Work is manic, The Boy is beyond exhausting, I don’t get a minute to myself and then I do, when he goes to his Dad’s, and there is nothing in the world for me to do. I don’t have a place, and I have never, ever felt so lost and irrelevant, so alone. Without my boy, I don’t exist. I’m sitting here in tears and there’s not one person I can ring to come and see me and tell me to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself. Everyone I know has made their life now, made their family, and I’m starting again and I just don’t know how. I haven’t got a clue.
motherinterrupted 
Motherinterrupted, I feel similarly as my own blog sometimes reveals, except whereas you struggle with anger, mine is soul-searing grief & loss. It’s been about a year… and still the pain and sharp desperation. As for the future? I can’t imagine being happy without her. I was left too but am in mid-life. When you feel isolated and alone with no one to turn, feel free email me if it would help. I’ll do my best to support you as one who is going through the a similar hurt. I’m on the Yankee side of the Atlantic. Sorry, coincidentally I’ve also got the P word in my moniker.
If this comment is moderated by you first, feel free to keep it private. Otherwise, no big deal.
Thank you so much. I have been reading your blog and so I know you understand. It is highly unfortunate that you have the P word in your moniker but I won’t hold it against you… 😉 I hope you start to feel less desperate very very soon x
i know how you feel…you will be in the prayers of Single Mothers of Mary, sister, if that is okay…this is a hard time to be alone, angry, fearful of yourself, but it can be overcome or gone through…thank you so much for sharing your honesty in struggle…blessings…
Thank you very, very much x
Hello MotherInterrupted,
I am a new subscriber to your blog… I am not sure if I have commented before… I’d guess I have been following for about a month? First, I love your blog. You have a wonderful way with words, but since you seem to be the go to girl for writing things I am sure this is not news to you. Second I like you an awful lot, even if you don’t love yourself.
I have just finished reading through your whole blog. Yep that’s right, every entry. I tend to be like that when I see one I like. I always wonder how people get to be the places they are and looking back over a blog is an amazingly personal way to do that. This long preamble is just to get to the point that I feel like I know you, so this comment may go to a place that seems overly familiar, and I apologize in advance. I also you to know that I am fully aware that I don’t actually know you, I only know what I have read. So… Bah! I can’t explain, I just don’t want to offend you, but I want to give you an enormous hug.
My heart is aching for you. And just so you know that I am not saying that, or anything that comes from here on out, from a hollow place devoid of the knowledge of the depths of despair you feel I am going to give you a quick recap of where I am in my life right now. I am 27 years old, (or I will be in a couple of months and am trying to lessen the shock by saying it early so I get out of bed on my birthday.) I have been a relationship and lived with my boyfriend for four and a half years, I am technically an assistant manager of a chain pharmacy but I haven’t worked steadily in close to two and a half years and, oh yeah, I had a major spinal operation in March 2011 that I still haven’t recovered from and am gravely anticipating the next one in August all because I put down a box at work. I am telling you this background, not because I want sympathy of any kind, but because I have been struggling with a deepening depression for over a year now and I wanted you to know irrefutably that everything I say comes from empathy, not sympathy or hollowness, as I see my pain reflected in your anguish. In my, albeit short, experience depression, pain and anguish tend to be relate-able even when the experiences that led people to that dark place are radically different. In short, I share your pain.
I wish I could be there to wipe your tears. I wish I was closer, but miles and miles of ocean and land separate us. I wish I could be that friend you need, no strings attached. You are so much more than you think you are. You have so much more value than you are crediting yourself with.
HWSNBN really fucked with you. But, and I can’t stress this enough, IT IS NOT THAT YOU LET HIM FUCk WITH YOU, the way he treated you is not because of anything you did or didn’t do, have or don’t have, gave or didn’t give. Through your posts I see a woman who was willing to open her self completely to another person, and that is admirable. I am not going to lie to you and tell you that you made really smart decisions in relation to H-N, (shortening HWSNBN as he doesn’t deserve six letters.) but I understand why you did. You believe in the goodness of most people. It isn’t your fault that not everyone is a giving, generous and open as you.
Okay, now that the blame thing is settled squarely where it belongs, on his shoulders, it is time to start thinking about you.
Remember that woman you used to know? The one who laughed and flirted? She is still you.
I am sorry, I just realized that I was going to say that you need to love yourself, and while I do think that it is true, I am a hypocrite for telling you to do something I don’t and don’t know how to. It’s weird, I had this big motivational thing in my head, because I really do feel like you deserve more than what was offered, and you gave so much more than he did. But I realize now that I don’t know how to offer any encouragement when this is the very thing I struggle with.
I have noticed lately that my ability to have compassion for others is magnificent but my ability to have compassion for myself is severely lacking. It is something I am trying to work on. I feel deeply for you and what you are feeling, but I look at myself with the same condemnation and hate and think that it is because I am weak I feel like this. If I try harder I will be better. But try harder for what? I am still going to be broken and unable to move forward with my life. No kids, no job, hell no doing laundry. I know my relationship is dead and have all kinds of guilty baggage in it, but I am so terrified of being alone, for all the emotional reasons but I have the additional worry of falling and not being able to get back up. I just feel stuck.
Wow. This went from motivational, and nice to depressing and self-centered. I am truly sorry, sometimes I hate that my comments are so long and I rarely seem to get anywhere. So I will digress.
You are a worthy and beautiful person. You just have to treat yourself like one.
I am sending thousands of hugs on the wings of dove, er.. Sparrow, since they are found in both our locations. Every time you encounter one it is a message from me. Someone wants to make you smile and give you a hug.
Best,
ox – S.
Your reply has made me cry in the best possible way… The BEST possible way. Thank you so, so much. I don’t have time to write any more right now but I didn’t want to let your loveliness go unacknowledged xxxx
Hi again,
I will reply in more depth soon, but I wanted to direct you to my real blog. Thank you so much for subscribing. Unfortunately, you subscribed to a blog that I set up as a boo boo. For some reason I had the wrong URL attached to my name that sent you to an empty blog. Soooo… Here is the real one: http://secretworldofs.wordpress.com
I really would love to see you there, and I will write more soon!
xo – S.
I want to say the perfect thing — to wash away that bitter, dark feeling — but I haven’t thought it up yet! —
I congratulate you on self-scuirating blog post instead of self-mutilation. This is a process and apparently you have to feel crappy before you can feel good again.
From what I know, the path to feeling less crappy is to help someone less fortunate than yourself . . . fake it til you make it.
Making someone else happy *is* one of the best ways to make yourself happy, you’re right. Thank you x
ah lady… sending you love as you trudge the lonely long dark night of the soul. the day will eventually dawn again. try be gentle with yourself, under all that anger lurks a crippling grief, a sadness so vast it defies gravity. if your boy was hurting that badly, you’d hold and comfort him. as you would your best friend. stand by yourself sister, you are a beautifully sensitive soul & what you’ve been through (and are still wrestling with) is hard. sending you love and earthy support from Africa, Sx
Love as always to you… Keep writing your Twitter stories for me. x
Been there. Right after my husband and then He Who Is Dead To Me left me. Did the self harm bit – it actually didn’t help – not even in the moment, so don’t bother (yes, I know there are MANY other reasons not to do it). The reason to get off your arse and quit wallowing – The Boy. He needs a mom who is present and there for him; not the other way ’round. That’s what finally got me out of my well of self -pity – my boys were suffering. You deserve to feel sorry for yourself (at least for a little while) and be depressed and angry – this sucks. But…
And then the day will come, eventually, where you can look back and say “I’ll NEVER go there again – NEVER let someone else f%^& with my sanity again. And you will like who you are again and, hard as this is to imagine, you will be thankful for this shit.
PS. I hung scarves over my mirrors so I didn’t have to see myself
I am liking the fighting talk. Thank you x
We all hate ourselves sometimes. But just know, you are a profound person, full of promise and potential, and those are the P words you need to focus on. So he didn’t see it, he’s pathetic and it’s his loss. Like they said above, Fake it till you Make it! And then never let another soul TAKE it from you again!
Ha – thank you for the new P words… x
Oh dear, I wish I had read this post before the latest one… So sorry.
I hadn’t realised how low you felt, and my heart goes out to you. I have been there, and have felt the depth of the abyss which threatens to swallow you.
Hang on in there. Hugs