A sentence I never thought I’d write – and a question I never imagined I’d answer

“It is impossible to orgasm when you’re worried that the string of your tampon is going to catch in his teeth.”

That is the best thing I’ve written all day. Possibly ever, in fact. And I write for a living.

There is a little more to the tale of the tampon. I’m only telling you so I can commit it to paper. I might forget, and that really would be terrible. (Zoe, if you’re reading this, you know what’s coming, and you’re excused from class…)

So I’m on my period and he clearly doesn’t care, and he’s going down on me. Which is cool. Quite sexy, actually. But I am never going to come. EVER.  He’s licking the string of my tampon, for fuck’s sake. I wonder if it will fray? If it frays, will I still be able to remove it? Yes, don’t be silly. But then he really could end up with a thin string of cotton between his teeth… What if it gets caught and he jerks his head? Eek! His teeth are really tightly packed together though. I bet he couldn’t floss if he tried. I wonder if that puts him more at risk of gum disease, or less? If floss/a thread of tampon string can’t get between his teeth, neither can rotting food… Hmmm. His teeth are really good. Maybe that’s why…

See how my mind is wandering?

I am never going to come.

“Um… PB… ”

“Ungh-hugh…”

“I’m sorry… All I can think about is you licking the string of my tampon.”

This is greeted with a muffled snigger. He looks up at me, those gorgeous curls framed by my open thighs, his huge green eyes peering amusedly over my pubic hair.

“Are you going to remove the tampon so I can fuck you then, or shall I?”

SQUUEEAAAAAAA!

In the right frame of mind, I’ll do anal. I enjoy rimming*. I don’t think I’m that much of a prude. But the thought of someone else removing my tampon… Oh. Em. Gee. And I don’t OMG lightly. (What would he do with said item once removed? It’s a really light day, period-wise – what if he has to pull really hard? What if he pulls me off the bed? Is he going to do it right now, while he’s at eye level? Good god no…)

I shoot off the bed like a scalded cat, into the bathroom. “I’ll do it!” I shriek. Totally not cool.

But seriously. There’s a question I never thought I’d have to answer.

Proper bloggers end their entries with a question, to encourage engagement. Here’s one for y’all – ever had a man remove your tampon? And if not, would you let him? I want to know, on a scale of 1 – 10, just how big a prude I am…

*Zoe, you had better have stopped reading. Seriously.

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10 Comments on “A sentence I never thought I’d write – and a question I never imagined I’d answer”

  1. Hardly a prude – just inexperienced in some departments. go ahead and let the guy pull it out. i’ve had several men do it. Once in a while i do get worried that a big blob will come out with it, but, it’s probably like a little pooh when your doing anal; can’t be helped, right?
    You’ve had a baby – blood, fluids, shit, all of it – we bleed, we leak, we queef. Think about it – Cum isn’t really all that attractive, but we’ve learned to love it. so embrace all that your body does and let him tug on that little white string.
    If it pulls you off the bed, you might consider smaller tampons.

    • There is not a hope in hell that I will ever let a boy tug on the white string. Even reading your reply made me squirm. I love cum. I’m not bothered about shit – I’m a mother, I was a dog owner, there are worse things in the world. I would rather let a man piss on me than remove my tampon. There are some things… Some things that should happen in the bathroom.

      I think I am a prude.

  2. trjensen says:

    You are not a prude and I would remove it myself, thank you very much… This had me cracking up from beginning to end.

  3. Zoe says:

    Still not lost it’s impact second time around…

  4. You’re no prude.. & I’m with you, sista! No thanks, I’ll handle that business.

  5. lynnhalsted says:

    i’m not big on period sex to begin with so i’m with you on not having a guy remove the tampon.
    this was a hilarious post to be sure. i could totally imagine contemplating flossing when he’s chewing on a tampon string. men with red beards are brave and keepers.
    cheers

  6. Lady E says:

    You make me laugh… 🙂

  7. There are 45 comments that just came to my mind, but forever mindful of what I say on the internet, I will just say this, when Aunt Flo visits the only fun I have in bed in blogging on my laptop… LOL

  8. I think there is ample proof that you are not a prude! A prude would have a tough time talking about this stuff, right??? And here you are telling the whole blooming blogosphere some pretty . . . intimate . . . things! Can we all agree that is is Just Fine to have limits!!!

    I myself have never had vaginal intercourse during my period — oh, wait, except for the night my HS boyfriend and I watched M*A*S*H in his parents bed and then made love for the first time . . . different story — and I am sure I never ‘let’ a guy go down on me then, and never had a guy pull the string for me — but I HAVE let a guy pee on me (think warm beef bullion). YKINMKBYKIOK!

    I am not squeamish, but I am
    Naughty


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