D.I.V.O.R.C.EPosted: January 18, 2012
If I say it enough times, it might feel real. Or transport me out of this shitty world and into one where divorcees don’t feel like dirty used goods. One where we are revered; a world where people wear images of us around their necks that they rub in times of need, and clamour to kiss the hems of our slutty divorcee robes.
It’s not like I had any desire at all to stay married to the wanker. Or that I’d ever unwish the time we spent together. We made The Boy. He is amazing and wonderful in ways I can’t even begin to express. (I’ll try. This morning, in the car: “Mummy, if you open your mouth like this and breathe in – you can smell your brain!” Gentle probing revealed he meant that if you breathe out on a cold day, you can see your breath, but that’s not half as interesting.)
So I don’t know why I’m so thoroughly pissed off, really. I’m still angry, I guess. Angry that The Boy doesn’t get the deal he deserves, the traditional nuclear family. Angry that my ex-husband threw it all away for a relationship that, by his own admission, isn’t very good. And angry that, in spite of this, he’s getting what I want. A family, a new baby (due next Monday – yay!). How is that fair?! He doesn’t even seem to want it. WANKER.
It feels like the only progress I’ve made in my own life in the last year is not slipping any further backwards. Which I know is an achievement given all that has happened, but it doesn’t feel like one. I hate standing still and treading water. HATE it. I can’t move house yet for various tedious financial reasons, I can’t move jobs yet, I can’t see myself ever finding someone who’ll put up with my fucking mentalness… I feel trapped and stuck and stagnant. And it really pisses me off.
Yeah. I’m pissed off.
In other news, people are finding my blog through the phrases ‘fuck off’, ‘fuck you’ and ‘fuck off you timewasting bastard’. Which suits the general vibe over here. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck off. FUCK OFF. There. Let all the angry people on the internet find their way to me. Let my profanities be a shining beacon for all of those who are dispirited and in dark places. Suffer little children, come unto me… We can be totally fucking miserable together. Fuck.