New favourite search referral

“How to grope through Spanx”

Why would anyone be searching that? WHY? You can’t grope through Spanx. They are an impenetrable, unmolestable fortress. A contraceptive on so very many levels.

Seriously… Why would you be searching for that?

And again, I feel my content is a bit of a let down. I didn’t let The Pirate grope me through Spanx. I evaded his advances like a virginal eel with an elastic band wrapped around its middle, until I could decently go and remove the bastard things in my bathroom. And then extended the foreplay to give the red elastic marks around my ribcage time to fade before I got naked.

That’s how you grope through Spanx. Badly, and with no dignity. Still, a lesson learned. I will never, ever wear control pants again unless I am totally sure no-one else is going to want to remove them.

In other news – I’ve been emailing a man through an online dating site. He asked how I am. I bitched and moaned a bit about my cough, which is threatening to turn me inside out. Told him I was half fearful of coughing up a lung, and half hoping for it, since then I could give it a good clean and a stern talking to.

He replied telling me I’m lucky – he has to keep his chest really warm over the winter months SINCE HE HAD HIS LUNG REMOVED.

Oh god.

And here you have everything’s that wrong with online dating. I have no idea whether he’s taking the piss or not. No idea.



5 Comments on “New favourite search referral”

  1. Good to know I’m not alone in my fear of “Spanx discovery” moments, or the only one to employ covert bathroom ops on a date — after hearing enough “chicken cutlet horror stories” (those bra inserts that look like uncooked chicken breasts) from friends, I think we’re better off keeping certain secrets from male eyes (or, hands). Oh the obstacles of modern dating….

  2. silly_G says:

    haha! Well there is that slit you use to take a pee!! Donned them once a number of years ago and hated them. …dating – was caught a couple times without the nicest underthings, never even risk it now!

  3. Fantastic post… Had me rollin’!

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