This is for my friend

I’ve been so wrapped up in my own blanket of shit, I didn’t notice she was struggling. Not that she wears it like a badge, but I didn’t think to ask how she was. The whole world has revolved around me, me, me, me, ME. She had to tell me how monstrous her partner is being right now; the cold, cruel, toxic environment she is living in. B, this is for you.

1. You deserve better
My heart breaks for you, going home to a man who tells you he doesn’t care. He is, quite frankly, a twat and you deserve so much more.  You are delicate and fragile and need a sensitive soul to gently cup your heart in his hands, not a blundering oaf who squeezes the life and joy out of it.

2. A shared past does not demand a common future
And here I speak from experience. I’d been with R for so long, and from such a young age, that it felt like destiny that we should marry. It wasn’t. It was habit and fear. People change so much over the space of a year, let alone a lifetime. He isn’t the one for you. Don’t let any more life pass you by trying to make him be so.

3. Staying together for the children is a bad, bad idea
When I realised that I’d never forgive myself if my boy grew up like M, I ended it. And he was a perfectly *nice* boy. Your man is lazy, misogynistic and an average, glory Dad at best – at least, from the outside looking in. He doesn’t respect you. He treats you with contempt and belittles you. This is not the male role model you want for your son. And it isn’t the kind of environment your gorgeous boy should grow up in. He should be raised in a home singing with love and respect. Hell, you should live in a home singing with love and respect.

You say the stakes are higher now you have a boy. Damn right they are. And I’d say that, given those stakes, there are more powerful reasons to separate than there are to stay together. I don’t say this lightly. I believe in trying your hardest to make things work when there are children involved. But it makes my soul bristle to think of you expending even an ounce of effort on this man, especially given all the effort you put into creating the home that he is arrogantly rejecting. Arsehole. He’s an arsehole of a man. Don’t give him the satisfaction of rejecting you. Kick the fucker out, Christmas or not.

4. Being a single mum rocks
I miss having a partner. I *really* miss sex, and intimacy. And fuck me it’s hard managing a boy, a house, and a job. But I am honestly happy beyond measure about being a single parent. Even on days like today when I don’t feel very well and have auto-piloted it somewhat impatiently. In the words of Brandy & Monica, the boy is mine and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Darling B, I am here for you whatever you choose to do. But I want you to get angry – at least as angry as I am. You are stronger than you look. Don’t let his cold words freeze you, unable to move and think and feel. Get hot. Get ANGRY.




8 Comments on “This is for my friend”

  1. I left a man like that & it was the best thing I ever did… No love. No respect. Swimming in the putrid cloud of his anger every day was killing me.

    I left and we are all better for it.

    Prayers of stength, resolve and resourcefullness for your friend.

    • b says:

      It’s killing me too, slowly but surely.And I too know it will be the best thing I ever do (when I actually finally do it!). Thanks so much for your lovely inspiring comments and prayers.

      The friend

  2. Such words of wisdom to your friend. It’s one matter to chose wisely when you’re single – it’s a whole ‘nother thing when you’ve got a kid. After all the drama I’ve been through dating men who were either nicely narcissistic (like my father) or downright scarily sociopathic, I realized the BIGGEST gift you can ever give a child is making a wise choice of co-parent. And if you happen to make an error in your biological selection, the sooner you leave the loser and create a stable, single home – the better. Your child is more likely to grow up with a healthy sense of self. And one day, when you met a great person who wants to share your life and family… well, you’ll be ready. And that’s what counts. Love and strength to your friend B… she’s lucky to have you by her side! Sx

  3. I could have written this for two of my friends a few years ago. It is so very hard to see the women you love and admire waste themselves on men who don’t fully know or appreciate them. Ugh.

    I hope she leaves and makes a beautiful, tranquil, rich life for herself.

  4. Thank you all for your lovely words of support. I’ll make sure B reads them. She needs lots of strength right now. Her partner is very dominant and it isn’t in her nature to be confrontational or even especially demanding for herself.

    Demand for your boy, B. Demand on his behalf… xxx

    • B says:

      Thank you so, so much. You’re so right of course, absolutely. I’d do anything for my boy, and thinking of it in this way starts the deep, inner tingling of strength and determination that only a mother feels. I’m just too weakened from the years of holding it all in to get angry right now. I’m really genuinely scared to let the anger out, it’s monstrous. I’ll get there one day…..

  5. Lady E says:

    I agree whole-heartedly, and hope B can hear you and find the courage to seek her happiness. The most important thing she can teach her son is how to be happy, even if sometimes it takes scary leaps of faith, standing up for yourself, being scared. x

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