6 months and then… nothingPosted: October 30, 2011
So The Pirate never bothered responding to my email. 5 months of speaking every day, 6 months ‘together’ – and he just gets to walk away when it all gets a bit complicated. Fucking MEN. Where are his manners, if nothing else? I am owed a goodbye. I am definitely owed thanks for all the work I put into his business. I deserve more than nothing, don’t I?
And god I miss him. I don’t miss the uncertainty and self-doubt, and in lots of ways I feel better now than I have for weeks, but I really do miss him. He’s been there for half a year. And now he’s gone, just like that. I don’t regret ending it. The words needed to be said (though when I read them back, they do make me sound a little bit… intense. When will I learn not to write anything when I am *feeling* it?!).
I have taken to stalking him on Match.com again. He never took down or hid his profile and in the early days, I used to get these twitchy, witchy feelings that he was online and lo, he always was. I’d wink at him, he’d give some bullshit excuse for why he was on there and then lamely try and turn it around on me: why was *I* logged in?
Because I’m a suspicious bitch, you fool. No other reason. You will never find anyone more faithful than me. It’s a fucking flaw, quite frankly.
He logged in for the first time in a week today. I don’t know what this information is doing for me. It’s not helping, that’s for sure. Did my email make him sad enough not to go fishing for girls for a whole week? That’s how long it takes to get over me? Awesome.
I hate that I let him get under my skin. I hate that. I let my guard down. In fairness, Dad dying didn’t help matters in that regard. It tipped things over from wanting The Pirate to *needing* him. But for fuck’s sake. He didn’t just use me. He used me knowing I was grieving for my Dad. What kind of parasite is the man?
Oh, and I now have conjunctivitis too. My body really hates me. Though I did get the thrush sorted. And got the chemist to look at my eczema at the same time. And I shaved my legs tonight! Still.
I remember learning in Religious Studies that the sacraments are an outward sign of an inward grace. All my outward signs at the moment point to an inner self that is rotten, raw, angry and looking for somewhere to vent forth boils and streams of yellow gunge. Lovely.