*Twiddles her thumbs and looks out the window*

I’m not dating again. Ever.

That might be a lie. But I’m definitely off men for at least the next 500 years. Seriously. I’m cocooning myself in a chrysalis of foulness to ward off invaders.

I’ve stopped wearing make-up and can’t be arsed to see the doctor about the horrible eczema/leprosy thing going on around my nose and mouth. To add to the general Decay of D, my hair has decided to be greasy too and my nurse rang today to say the results of my smear are clear but I have thrush*. Oh, and I have an awful zombie pallor thanks to my own cold, and thick patches of crusty yellow ectoplasm all over me/my clothes thanks to The Boy’s cold.**

Yeah. I’ve been in better shape. But I don’t care. However, if I’m not dating, what, exactly, shall I write about now?

It has already been established that this blog has gone horribly off-piste. It never really managed to be a bright and breezy look at the sexploits of a newly single mother. That was a hopeless ambition anyway. I’m not really famed for my easy breeziness. Everything must have meaning. I’m the opposite of a breeze. Heavy, leaden, cloying, claustrophobic. The airless feeling before a storm. But you know, some people find that sexy. The ones that don’t get pressure headaches. And the ones that aren’t scared of thunder and lightning.

My friend told me I need to get back into the saddle before I let the damage caused by my ex-husband and The Pirate turn me into a bitter, man-hating shrew. I started writing a new Match.com profile in my head:

‘Kind, warm, generous and loving girl seeks emotionally available boy capable of demonstrating love and commitment. Must have curly hair, be willing to wear Jo Malone Pomegranate Noir aftershave and able to call me a ‘good girl’ in bed without either of us pissing ourselves laughing.’

Yeah. Not ready for the whole saddle thing.

So what to write? This could all get quite random…


*Really hope The Pirate has it too. Hope his dick looks like this. Ha!

**To the actual Pirate blogger who invited me over to his little bit of the US Virgin Islands for the weekend – still want me to come?!



2 Comments on “*Twiddles her thumbs and looks out the window*”

  1. imafaghag says:

    Great post- I actually laughed out loud! And um… good luck with your thrush. Ha ha.

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