Groundhog Day

I do my best thinking in the car. Also my best stressing, angsting, crying and self-loathing, but I guess they all come with the thinking territory.

And on the way home tonight I had a revelation. What is happening with me and The Pirate now is pretty much identical to what was going on in the dying months of my marriage:

– My husband didn’t know whether he wanted to be with me: check.
– He wanted to give it time to see how he felt about me: check.
– He made fuck all effort during that time: check.
– I tried so, so, so hard, all the time, every day, until it hurt: check.
– The very best I got back from him was silent acquiescence: check.
– I didn’t know when to give up and kept on with the CPR well into the flatlining: check.
– I was a stupid twat: check check check. Full house! High five!

WHY am I doing this to myself? Why? The pain when my husband finally left – or rather, I finally kicked him out – was horrific, but nothing compared to the slow torture of the months preceding it. Leaving myself open to rejection over and over again, humiliating myself pretty much every day, trying to be prettier, wittier, happier, thinner – the very essence of perfection, anything so he would love me again… It was unbearable. And here I am again. How did this happen? This was supposed to be my fresh start, damn it.

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be loved. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be important, to matter to someone. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be happy, to feel safe, to feel excited about the prospect of getting up in the morning, to look forward to the weekend. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to care about someone other than myself. I am SICK of myself.


5 Comments on “Groundhog Day”

  1. Your Pirate sounds a lot like my Drama Queen. And I foolishly dated the mad man TWICE. I hope you prove saner and practice a higher level of self preservation than I did. It’s a tough pattern to break – feeling like you deserve to suffer for love. That old cliche: shouldn’t it be easier? Yeah, it should. Choose wisely… Love and respect, Scarlet x

  2. Lady E says:

    Aaaw, I’m so sorry you’re going through this crap 😦
    But don’t blame yourself girl, it’s just those two men who are flaky and undeserving of you. You Pirate may not be having an affair, but he is unable to reassure, make you feel secure, which is what all women need in a relationship.
    I’m going to resort to the age-old cliche but it’s not you, it’s him. He (and probably your ex husband) is unable to make the woman in their life feel secure, unable to properly love her.
    Of course, you should run, but I know it’s easier said than done…
    So all I can say is hang on in there

    • I concur with lady E. I’ve done my fair share of headbanging when it comes to self flagellation for stupidly sticking around for more pain. You DO deserve better – so much so! One of the most empowering things I ever did was leaving DQ 2nd time round: gods I loved that man so much I was willing to annihilate myself and everything I held dear. Eventually, after telling some ‘normal’ people the whole f*cked up story, I realized how far from ‘me’ I’d travelled. So I stopped worrying about what he’d decide, went up to his house and said:

      “It doesn’t matter anymore where you choose me – I choose me. And I’m done with this.”

      He was shattered. It was incredibly hard – but I feel like I saved my own life. There are fabulously functional men out there, D. You deserve one of them. Allow yourself to accept love and respect you enough to claim your alienable right to LOVE. Standing beside you, in the ether. Lots of love, Sx

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