Dating sucks

I never, ever imagined I’d find myself here. When I said my wedding vows, I meant them. When my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to leave, I begged him to come to Relate with me. I offered to turn my world upside down to try and make him happy and stay, because I believe in family. He didn’t. He left.

And now I’m glad he did. Because we weren’t right for each other. Yes, we could probably have bumbled along and made do forever. It wasn’t an unhappy marriage. It just wasn’t especially happy either. Kinda neutral. No-one wants that in their obituary. I deserve better.

But dear God how am I ever going to find it?

I ventured out into the city last Friday night. It confirmed my belief that I am not a going out into the city kind of girl. So loud! So busy! So full of nubile blonde creatures who aren’t the wrong side of 30! I’m not revolting. But I’m not 20 either. I’ve had a baby and I’ve got the scars and stretchmarks to prove it.

And I’ve tried online dating. So far, it’s resulted in:

  • A coffee with a man who talked non-stop about his ex-wife and her family and their various problems. I properly ran away from him. Actual running.
  • A summer evening’s walk around a reservoir with a man who seemed OKish, but then halfway through the night went to the loo in the pub and came back clearly having taken some drugs. He stood up and embraced the old stone walls in the beer garden, cheek pressed against rock, jawing frantically as he invited me to join him: “Feel the stone! It’s warm!”
  • A short relationship with a perfectly lovely boy. Note use of the word ‘boy’. He was 28 going on 14. I already have one son, and frankly he’s a lot less hard work. It ended when, in a fit of temper, I growled at him to stop telling me to calm down or I’d carve his eye out with a spoon, and he really believed I would. He still believed everything grown ups told him! Yeah. Bye.
  • An even shorter ‘relationship’ with The Pirate, about whom I could write forever but it would get me nowhere. It ended today and it hurts much more than I imagined it would. I thought I had my guard up. Who knew?! I’m not ready to talk about it properly, not yet.

So I’ve cancelled my online dating subscription. It’s not for me.

I’m feeling a bit battered at the minute. Really emotionally raw. And so tired at the prospect of having to pick myself up, dust myself down, dig out my best smile and get out there again at some point. Because while it isn’t like I need a man to ‘complete me’ (vom vom vom), I am not good on my own. At night, when the boy’s gone to be bed, there’s just me in my living room. I hate it. I want family, someone to talk about my day with, to have filthy, filthy sex with, to make Sunday lunch for. Fuck it, I want to iron someone’s shirts.

Which means dating. Ugh. Any tips for a recluse?


4 Comments on “Dating sucks”

  1. I am in the same predicament. I hate dating and yet, I don’t want to sit in my living room alone either… and I want lots of dirty dirty sex.

    I have given up SO many times! Just recently after I wasted two months dating a gorgeous man and crushing on him before I realized that it’s been TWO months and he’s never even tried to kiss me. This guy’s not into me.

    Hang in there, woman. There’s someone out there who will be WILD about you (and me)… now if we can only find them!

    • The thing I’m finding difficult is I have no idea HOW to date, really. I’m a 32-year old with the dating skills of a teenager, since I was 17 the last time I did this. Argh argh argh…

      D x

  2. Lady E says:

    Ha, just stumbled upon your blog, and glad I did! I haven’t even gotten back onto the whole dating scene yet, but the thought fills me with dread. I can’t be arsed with the agonising process involved in finding a mate right now. All the same though, I could do with a pirate or any kind of gorgeous mindless rebound guy.
    Good luck, it sounds like you’ve had an awful year, and it’s the worst worn cliche, but things can only get better!

    • Glad you like my blog… It’s depressing just how many of us are in the same shitty leaky boat. Be careful what you wish for though – The Pirate may well be gorgeous, but he certainly isn’t mindless. The headspace I devote to him… Criminal. Off to read your blog properly x

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