Dating sucksPosted: July 27, 2011
I never, ever imagined I’d find myself here. When I said my wedding vows, I meant them. When my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to leave, I begged him to come to Relate with me. I offered to turn my world upside down to try and make him happy and stay, because I believe in family. He didn’t. He left.
And now I’m glad he did. Because we weren’t right for each other. Yes, we could probably have bumbled along and made do forever. It wasn’t an unhappy marriage. It just wasn’t especially happy either. Kinda neutral. No-one wants that in their obituary. I deserve better.
I ventured out into the city last Friday night. It confirmed my belief that I am not a going out into the city kind of girl. So loud! So busy! So full of nubile blonde creatures who aren’t the wrong side of 30! I’m not revolting. But I’m not 20 either. I’ve had a baby and I’ve got the scars and stretchmarks to prove it.
And I’ve tried online dating. So far, it’s resulted in:
- A coffee with a man who talked non-stop about his ex-wife and her family and their various problems. I properly ran away from him. Actual running.
- A summer evening’s walk around a reservoir with a man who seemed OKish, but then halfway through the night went to the loo in the pub and came back clearly having taken some drugs. He stood up and embraced the old stone walls in the beer garden, cheek pressed against rock, jawing frantically as he invited me to join him: “Feel the stone! It’s warm!”
- A short relationship with a perfectly lovely boy. Note use of the word ‘boy’. He was 28 going on 14. I already have one son, and frankly he’s a lot less hard work. It ended when, in a fit of temper, I growled at him to stop telling me to calm down or I’d carve his eye out with a spoon, and he really believed I would. He still believed everything grown ups told him! Yeah. Bye.
- An even shorter ‘relationship’ with The Pirate, about whom I could write forever but it would get me nowhere. It ended today and it hurts much more than I imagined it would. I thought I had my guard up. Who knew?! I’m not ready to talk about it properly, not yet.
So I’ve cancelled my online dating subscription. It’s not for me.
I’m feeling a bit battered at the minute. Really emotionally raw. And so tired at the prospect of having to pick myself up, dust myself down, dig out my best smile and get out there again at some point. Because while it isn’t like I need a man to ‘complete me’ (vom vom vom), I am not good on my own. At night, when the boy’s gone to be bed, there’s just me in my living room. I hate it. I want family, someone to talk about my day with, to have filthy, filthy sex with, to make Sunday lunch for. Fuck it, I want to iron someone’s shirts.
Which means dating. Ugh. Any tips for a recluse?